More and more we are acknowledging the crucial role story plays in the human experience. In fact, psychologists insist that a “coherent narrative,” a story that gives expression to one’s circumstance and anticipates one’s future, is a necessary requirement for mental health. Otherwise, on what basis would we make our choices in the world?

People who have experienced severe emotional trauma cannot heal until they can integrate the experience into their life’s story. They have to be able to talk about it, communicate in words what happened. This is the only way they can eventually master the experience rather than letting it consume and ultimately define them.

We are all in search of our own story, a narrative that gives our lives meaning, a glue that holds together all the disparate pieces of our individual histories and makes sense of the time we spend on earth. A story not only provides a coherent way to view the past, but enables us to anticipate the future. It gives us our “outlook.” Our story is also our bridge to other people. For us to be known, our story must be known.

A shared story is what holds cultures, nations, families, together. It gives people the “sameness,” the unity of experience, shared assumptions and common ground that allows a people to think and act as an entity. It is as if a culture is a myriad of mirrors, all facing outward. When members look at each other, to a large extent they see themselves reflected back. The more unified the culture, the less dissention about what the story is. It is just “understood.”

It should come as no surprise that an essential step in creating intimate, trusting relationships, is the exchange of stories between people. “This is who I am,” we are saying. As we listen to another person’s experiences, their motivations, their history, their dreams and aspirations, their fears, and they listen to ours, a brand-new story is forged, our shared story. This shared story is called a relationship, that collection of common understandings and mutual expectations. With a common pool of understanding we can more effectively think and act together, plan for a shared future.

Creating relationship can be a one-time event or a process that evolves over a lifetime. What is required is a mutual sharing and listening. It doesn’t mean we like each other, or even support one another’s goal, but we can more clearly “see” each other. We become known to one another.